Can Openers, Christmas, and the Joys of Parenting

About a year ago, my favorite can opener came up missing. Now that may not seem like a big deal to some, but have you ever had the flow of meal preparation interrupted by a lame can opener. You go around and around the top of the can, trying to puncture the tin, to no avail. At best you simply emboss the metal, and rough up the edge.

I can’t begin to enumerate all the creative ways, that I have tried to get a stubborn can open, but a few memorable attempts come to mind.

Tin snips are good, if I could only remember which tool drawer I left them in. Wait, maybe they are still on the roof from when I was patching the rain gutter. No, they were in a junk box that I quickly filled after fixing a pipe. The question is do I take the time to clean the sludge and pipe dope off of them, before opening the can, or just go for it.

Once you adequately maul the can with the snips, you can begin to empty it, of it’s contents. Depending on what is in the can this may require some effort. By no means should you use your finger, or fingers. Depending on how many razor sharp edges you have created, on the hapless container, you may further delay, your long awaited meal, with an emergency room visit, to get the said finger or fingers stitched back on.

The military used to hand out a nifty little can opener, a P-38 if I recall correctly. Those were great, once you got the hang of them. I know a few guys that can fly around the top of a can, faster than a top of the line professional electric model. Myself, on the other hand, I never quite got the knack of it, and more often than not, I came away with fingers and wrists cramped so bad, that I would have to ice up for a few days.

Always take a can opener with you, if you go camping, and all you packed for food, is a can of Spam, and some chili. The Spam has that nifty pull top (who ever came up with that one needs a statue dedicated to this gift to humanity), but not the chili. When you get hungry enough, you will take the time, to rub a hole in the can, with a rock.

An easier way to open a can in the middle of nowhere, is to clean off a large flat rock. Get the rock real clean, or at least reasonably free from bird and squirrel droppings. Next set your can in the center of this large rock, then find as big a rock as you can lift. By this time you will be too hungry, and impatient to clean off all the dirt, and dead leaves clinging to it. Don’t worry, your stomach will soon be rewarded. Now lift your new tool over your head and throw it down onto the helpless can of beans. Assuming you have missed your toes, and lower extremities, you may now get down, on your hands and knees, to lick splattered projectile bean mush, off of your makeshift anvil. All the extra dirt, grass, and leaves will provide much needed minerals and fiber. Depending on how much of an appetite you still have, you can repeat this process, until all of the chili is extruded out of the can.

A hacksaw makes a decent can opener, just follow the same advice as using the tin snips.

If you’re really creative, you will come up with lots of great ways to open a can. Such as using a shop vise, now this is really thinking outside the box. Simply put the can into the vise, and start winding it closed until the can ruptures from the pressure. The only downside, is that it is impossible to predict where the can will explode from, so you’re never sure if you will be wearing the contents, or if they will be dripping from the ceiling. Of course, special laws of physics enter into this equation. The more likely you are to be seen in the few minutes after this operation, the more apt that the contents will burst onto your crotch. So using a vise is only advisable, when you can get to a shower, and a clean set of clothes without being noticed.

The thing is, I have a great can opener. It was a Christmas gift, from a Brother-in-law who knows how much I love to cook. So he acquired the best can opener on the planet for me. It cuts off the top of the can with very little effort, and leaves such a clean safe edge that you never worry about bodily injury. The well thought out design also allows you to reuse the top of the can as a lid, so you don’t have to find a container for any unused portions.

Now to get back to my intent of this story, “the joys of parenting.” I know my missing can opener is the result of my three year olds adventure in the utensil drawer. Months of searching yielded a plethora of missing kitchen items. The soup ladle from between the couch cushions, and the gravy boat in the DVD case were memorable victories, but still no can opener. I had all but resigned myself, to a life of cumbersome cooking sessions, when the mystery was finally solved.

A dozen bins of Christmas decorations are pulled out of storage for the holidays each year, and this year was no exception. Once the red and green bins are spread out in the living room, the great detangle begins. An agonizing process, of unwinding garlands, lights, ribbons, wreaths, and extension cords from one another. One by one, the symbols of the holidays emerge to be placed around the house. My wife pulled out a decorative stocking, and remarked at how heavy is was. She reached into the stocking and… You guessed it, the missing can opener.

Many moments are cherished in the parenting process. First steps, first word, and the first day of school rank high on the list. In our house we will elevate the finding of a can opener in a Santa stocking, among these memories. Not just because it was such a baffling mystery, for so long, and a reminder of how unpredictable being a parent can be, but because it was a Christmas gift re given.

Merry Christmas to all, and may your joy, only be matched by the miracles and mystery of the season.

Shane McKenna